Divorce and Cancer

If I stop and think about the current state of my life my chest begins to tighten and panic sets in. All the things in this world we as modern humans grasp onto in times of stress are paper thin in my life. My husband asked me for a divorce in September and my mother has cancer. I need to own that.
I need to say it again:
My husband is divorcing me and my mother has no shit cancer.
And again:
My husband does not love me anymore and my mother has fucking blood cancer.

Fuck Shit Damn.

Do I feel better? No. Will I feel better. Yes.
Do I hate my husband? No. Can I stop loving him? Yes.
Can I lean on my mom? No. Can I lean on others to be strong for her? Yes.

Can I dance? Yes.
Am I worth loving? Yes.
Is it ok to feel like punching the wall? Yes.
Is it ok to punch the wall? No.

There have been two constants in my life for the last eleven years. My mom and my husband. They have defined who I am. You can say your parents don't influence your choices as an adult and you would be a liar. You can say your marriage doesn't change you and you would be a liar. The two things that have held the most influence in my life are disappearing or in danger.

Who am I if not my husband's wife? Who am I if not my mother's daughter?

I am my children's mother.

I am my sister's sister.

I am a friend.

I am Loreli, whether Vickers or DeLeon, I am Loreli.

I am kind and compassionate. I am strong willed and stubborn.

I am not perfect.

I am beautiful.

I am angry. I am sad. I am scared.

I am hopeful.

I do not hate my husband. He is human. I am human. My mom is human. Being human means making mistakes. Being human means being vulnerable.  Being human means there are glorious moments and Fuck.Shit.Damn moments.  Life is uncontrollable and I need to let go of my need to control it. Accept the fact there there are a million things out of my control and absolutely only one thing in my control, my reaction to it all.

So I chose compassion within reason. I will not put his comfort above mine, but I will make sure I act in way that builds a healthy partnership. I will begin to trust him, if only as a partner and co parent of our children. I will let him help me so that I can take care of my mom.  I will  do everything in my power to release the negative so that I only bring positive energy into my mother's battle.  I will commit to leaning on my friends so that I can gain my emotional independence from him.

In no way do I believe any of this will be easy. but I have decided to commit to releasing myself to the glorious mess which is the universe.

Tears and smiles and all, I will be the Loreli I want to be.

I am the Loreli I want to be.

I will let go to be present.

"Today I will go on living my life and tending to my routine. I will decide, as often as I need to, to stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me. If I don't feel like letting go of a particular thing, I will "act as if" I have let go of it until my feelings match my behavior." 

-Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go