Cancer And Karma

Why has been the dominate word in my vocabulary for the last 6 months. When what we perceive as tragedy strikes we automatically search for answers to the question of why. Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? What could I have done differently? Am I being punished for something I did in the past? Why? It becomes torturous. Too often we beat ourselves down using why as our hammer.

I know exactly why my mother has Myelodysplastic Syndrom or MDS. It was directly caused by the treatment she received for her breast cancer. Her past chemotherapy damaged her DNA and she now needs a stem cell transplant. It's science. She did nothing wrong. This is not punishment. It's chemical just as her breast cancer was hormonal. This is not a cosmic karmatic question. 

Often I hear people say "Karma's a bitch." I want to shake these people. Karma has no personality traits. Karma is a reflection of our social environmental reaction in times of stress. Karma is a mirror, not an antagonist. My mom did not get cancer because of bad Karma and if she had not found a viable donor that too would not have been related to bad Karma. Karma shows itself in the love projected onto you when you are in trouble. I can't direct the outcome of this treatment. It may succeed. It may not. Karma is not the reflection of that outcome. Karma only shows itself in the manifestation of the hope generated by those who love you and merely by the fact that you are loved. That you will be missed. That people find you valuable and that you earned this value.

My mother is not perfect. But she is good and giving and she is loved. She is worth our love. She has value to those around her. Her Karma is measured by that.  Her Karma is reflected by everyone who has offered their time to care for her. Measured in the well wishes, the cards, the prayers. I am a reflection of my mother. I am her Karma. 

One thing I have heard over and over again lately is that I have given too much of myself to others. I spread myself too thin, which in turn left too little for some else. This reasoning quickly pushes me to think, did I do this? Is my current situation a reflection of poor choices I have made? What is my Karma? How does this effect my Karma? It is interesting to think that some people think you need automatic response to giving yourself selflessly. What will I get in return? How quickly will the favor be returned? I look at social participation as an investment. I have never looked to be repaid. I have always believed that the more positive energy one put into the universe would merely inject positivity into your own personal being. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Yet, suddenly, I will admit to questioning Karma. What did I do? Why? And then it hit me. Why would I ever let the actions and choices of someone else, become the design of my mirror? My Karma is not a reflection of the action of others. My Karma is not defined by what is done to me.  Yes, I have been wronged. I have been lied to. But my Karma is not a reflection of this, my Karma is found in the overwhelming response of support I have been offered. The doors that have been left open for me should I need a haven. The notes. The phone calls. This is my Karma. This is what I will teach my children. We do not give of ourselves because we have expectations. We give of ourselves without ever expecting anything in return. Because when we need them, our Karma will be reflected in all the hands that reach out to help us. 

“If you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have.” 
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom