Divorce and Cancer and Social Media

Months ago I began erasing my husband from my social media presence. I took pictures down from Facebook. I changed status'. I erased any ties to a life connected with him. Then, a couple days ago I defriended my husband. And then I messaged his sisters and defriended them. And then I wrote a blog post about how much divorce and cancer suck. And then I received a whole lot of posts and private messages. And then I cried. And then I went to yoga and every song played reminded me of my marriage... every single one. And then I fell on my face in half moon pose. And then while sitting in bed I got this:

And then I smiled. And then for the first time, and this is truly lame that is was honestly the first time, I was completely sure I could do this. I have been devising a survival plan, involving Yoga, Journaling, Therapy, Wine and Ethan Hawk movies.... but a plan is just a plan unless you commit to it. I have not felt completely invested in it. I know I have been waiting for minds to change or to wake up, maybe to find this has been a dream, mom is healthy and my reality was still intact. But I know that this is my reality. And for the first time I can honestly write that without adding "Sadly". It's hard, but there is nothing "sad" about it. It can't be hopeless or sad if you send out into the universe your mess and receive in return love. I have felt like a house with no foundation, and then all of a sudden to to feel all these hands reach out to steady you and hold you upright all at once. Very often with Social Media we paint our lives in a manner to stand up to social norms. We often "Vague"book in order to receive support with out fully committing to to drama we all experience. I think that there is a beauty in being able to relate personal pain and joy with in minutes to such a large audience. We all want to be taken care of. We all want to feel supported. I defriended my husband because I knew, for now, I needed to carve out a small space that was just my own. Though I will be living separate from him, he will always be welcome in my home due to the children. Social media provides the space I need where I can go. And though I know we have some mutual friends I do feel like I have made a small space that can be just mine. My own social media wailing wall, somewhere to grieve. The five stages of loss are : Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining , Depression and Acceptance. I am standing at a crossroads looking at Depression and Acceptance. I have traveled roads 1 through 3 and am refusing to be forced down road 4. I truly believe there is fork at roads 4 and 5 and it is completely possible to skip one all together if you so choose. And I choose to skip road 4 and instead journey on to acceptance. There is no shame in depression. But I don't have time to mess around. I have a whole life ahead of me, two kids to love and a Mom to do yoga with. But you can't do it alone can you? I am probably the luckiest person on the planet. Sharing something, anything, the pain, the joy, it's all beautiful. The ability of humans to understand and reflect the emotions of others is a great miracle. I would like to believe in miracles more than anything else today.

" If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt."

-Before Sunrise